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3 Magic Tricks for Making Your Product Descriptions GLISTEN—And Your Sales...
WRITERS WILL BE PAID LIKE DOCTORS. I’ve been predicting this for a long time, in part because I’m a creepy writer monster, but also in part because I’ve been watching the internet carefully for...
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1 Extra Sale Per Day = $3,000 Extra Per Month—And Here’s How to Get It!
You know how you sit down to write a sales page—and all of the sudden YOU FEEL LIKE THE MOST BASIC BETCH ALIVE? Like, wow, I have absolutely nothing brilliant to say, I’m a dime-a-dozen dingflicker, I...
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A Virus Can Keep You Inside, But It Can’t Keep Your Ideas There
You ever see people that look like your dead relatives and then you CAN’T STOP STARING? I do that a lot. Like this fall, in Dublin, when I creepily tried to take a photograph of a total stranger in a...
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10 Things That’ll Make You Go “Ooh, Oooh, Oooohh!” (Especially if You’re in...
SIX-HUNDRED DADDIES. That’s my shorthand for “dollars.” I don’t know why or when it started. Actually, just kidding, it just started right now. Not because I have daddy issues or anything (though...
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“The Money’s Too Good to Give Up” and Other Nonsense I am GOING TO SPANK WITH...
I am in NO MOOD today. Nope, no mood for pussyfooting around—and don’t be offended by my usage of that word, as its etymology is related to little kitty cat paws, which are adorable and sweet, just...
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5 Apps Every Creative Business Needs to Get Their Shit in Order (With Extra...
Planning is not my strong suit, by which I mean if you come anywhere near me with a “party planning checklist,” I will immediately grab a knife. It’s instinct—you know, like the repulsion you feel when...
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I Googled “How to Pit an Olive” and IT BLEW MY MIND. (You Need to Know This.)
So yesterday I’m making this pathetic puddle of a salad, right? My salads are the worst. We keep TRYING to make good salads, but the salads always turn out tasting like a Greek man’s back sweat. Never...
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White Apathy and The Bullshit Argument That “They Could Help Themselves If...
Ten years ago, on Apr 25, 2010 at 11:56pm, I first published an opinion piece to The Middle Finger Project blog called, “White Men Can't Jump, But They've Got Other Tricks Up Their Sleeves: The...
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I Unpublished My Business Facebook Page—And I’ve Never Felt So Liberated
I have a strict rule about inviting people over to my house: only invite people with kids. This might seem contrary to my identity as a childless 35-year-old who offers toddlers hot sauce and who very...
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Your Job is Not to Change the World Overnight, But to Be a Tiny, Torturous...
There’s a new Karen in town, and I’ve dubbed her The Karen K-3000. (Even though the “K” is redundant, it’s a head nod to the villain in the Terminator movies—clearly how all of my columns shall start...
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Start a Boring Business—Not an Innovative One. (Also Filed Under: Business...
I once met a guy whose job is to gut dead poodles and freeze dry their corpses—and I didn’t even get this luminary's phone number. I know, the recklessness in it all! If I may offer some advice,...
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Is Your Bio Absolute Trash? It May Be Missing This Key Ingredient
You know who I don’t trust? Mean girls. The man who stole my cell phone in 2012. Iguanas (they absolutely want to eat your brains). Movies that didn't cast Ryan Reynolds. AND…this one restaurant in...
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The Hidden Shame of Entrepreneurship—And Why For Some People, It’s Really...
I sell people online. All day, every day, this is what I do for a living: I make people sound like golden-voiced prophets with thighs of steel and very good ideas. I am very good at this. I can take a...
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Introducing 🎉 The 2nd Annual “Wipe Your Buns With $30,000” Challenge! (Haha,...
I know. I KNOW. I bring such an air of sophistication to everything I do. (See also: The Middle Finger Project book and the sweet, sweet letterboard in my living room that reads, “My Name is Inigo...
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A Note on Writing, Politics & What the Hell We’re Doing Now
Hey. I really wanted to send you a personal note (wait, who am I kidding, they’re all my personal notes) to say thank you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here. Thanks for sticking with me through...
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Can Americans Ever Like Each Other Again?
72.14% That's a good chunk, right? Say, if I were to eat 72.14% of a Domino's pizza, we'd all be like, “WHOA, ASH IS MURDERING THAT THING.” Similarly, if you were to drink 72.14% of the wine, I might...
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Why Donald Trump’s Crude Messaging Lands With Rural Voters—Despite Notorious...
Alright, well: prepare your stomach for this one. Several friends from my hometown in Northeast Pennsylvania have forwarded me these images from the ground, and I’m forwarding them to you here in an...
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Talking Trash: How It Helped Elect the World’s Most Dangerous President
“There’s your dad.” It was ~the line~ growing up. We’d race to see who could whisper it first: an elderly man jogging by with a wedgie; a New Yorker passing through with a gold medallion necklace; a...
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Should You Talk Politics in Business? Or Stay Neutral and Keep Your Mouth Shut?
THIS WEEK, am I right? I literally didn’t sleep on Tuesday. Then I finally get to sleep, and wake up to this morning. How can you be talking about anything else right now? *cue the person who’s...
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Can You Be Educated and Ignorant?
“What is education?” Sounds like a simple question. You think of education and you automatically think of a four-year college degree from someplace with a statue of a man on top of a 200-year-old...
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