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Because You Don’t Want to Show Up At The Pearly Gates With a Big Ass Moral...
The phrase is simple: Goma moral. Here, where I am in Costa Rica, it translates into “moral hangover,” and you’ve got one if you stayed out too late, drank too much, said something you regret, or...
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Just The Tip: 10 Phrases You Need to Eighty-Six From Client Emails…FOREVER.
Everybody worries about being nice these days. We tiptoe around our own words, soften everything we say, and generally ask permission to have our own opinion. But unfortunately, nice isn’t a selling...
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Adultery Saturdays: The Scary Underbelly Of Faking It Until You’re Making It
My biggest fear has always been the idea of Bert Lahr living under my bed. Or more specifically, Bert Lahr when he played The Cowardly Lion in the 1939 cult classic The Wizard of Oz. (1939, you guys....
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Do You Have Chickenshititis?
I have a friend named Melissa. (Yes, I have friends.) Melissa doesn’t have a job. She spent her twenties and thirties working for other people as a professional headhunter–(am I obligated to make a...
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Just The Tip: Is Your Package Big Enough?
Confess. You’re reading this because the title made you think of male genitalia. (…And now you’re thinking about how weird the word “genitalia” sounds.) I know, I know. I tried to avoid it, but really,...
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Adultery Saturdays: Are You Running Out Of Time?
There are three things I know to be true: 1) Some things actually taste as good as being thin feels. (I’m lookin’ at you, mango habanero hot wings.) 2) Before I had my tonsils out, I always sneezed...
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Just The Tip: How to Avoid Becoming a High Strung, Stressed-Out Jockstrap.
Stress. If handling it well means binge pooping and frantically screaming at the furniture delivery man that he ruined your life by bringing the wrong color chaise lounge chair instead of this...
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Adultery Saturdays: You Should Tell Success To Suck It–Here’s Why
My seventh birthday found my ass sitting squarely in the principal’s office, tennis shoes thunk-thunk-thunking on the front of his desk that I now know came from a mail order catalog, but at the time,...
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The Devil Isn’t In The Details. Your Next Dollar Is.
I was seated in the exit row. And when you’re seated in the exit row, you’re obligated to at least pretend to pay attention to the flight safety video, as 300 other people glance over at you and...
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Just The Tip: The Surefire Way to Get Paid Every Time (And Avoid Having to...
You know when someone reaches over and steals a fry, and for the slightest split second of a moment you’re pissed? It’s really only for a split second, because immediately afterward, you tell yourself...
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Adultery Saturdays: When Elvis Played The Tuba, And Why You Should, Too
I’m interested in a world where Elvis played the tuba. In this world where Elvis played the tuba, The Rolling Stones also played the tuba. Bob Dylan played the folksy tuba. The Ramones likely played...
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Your Marketing Isn’t Working Because It’s an Arrogant, Selfish Blowhard.
If you feel like no one’s paying attention to you, go hang out at any sports stadium. Because if you go to the stadium, you’ll know what it’s like to be smashed up against 100,000 assholes in blue...
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Adultery Saturdays: A Whole New Take On What It Means To Be Callous
My feet belong to a very broad, very masculine, hair-encrusted caveman. Wide and absurdly flat, I’m relatively sure they’d make loud and vaguely accosting slapping sounds if I ran barefoot on...
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It’s Never About What You’re Selling. And Always About What They’re Buying....
Anytime I’ve seen a man in khaki, I’ve thought horrible things about his package. Maybe because they remind me of grandfathers. Or maybe because they remind me of Mr. Rogers. Either way, no female...
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Just The Tip: Is It Annoying to Buy From You?
Everybody loves shopping, right? (Except maybe Ben Stein—imagine that guy in Kohl’s, or worse, going down a water slide. Two words: man thong.) You know who else loves shopping? The people who are...
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Adultery Saturdays: If A Tree Falls In A Forest, Does Anyone Actually Give A...
Samson never wins at bingo. Every week, I take my rounded bingo marker and stamp a bulbous glob of red ink in his relevant cardboard squares, his vision too blurry and his hands too shaky to do it...
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Just The Tip: 10 Reasons Business Partners Can Be a Terrible, Horrible, No...
At some point, you’ve gotten drunk and thought to yourself: I wish I had a business partner! This wouldn’t be so scary! It would make it so much more fun! We could do it together! We’ll ride off...
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You Don’t Need a Job, You Need Guts: In the Name of INDEPENDENCE.
I have no business being rich. I grew up curling my bangs in a trailer park, using food stamps to buy popsicles, dating boys who milked cows, bringing boom boxes to stone quarries, and thinking...
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Just The Tip: What To Do When You Hire Them And…They Suck.
So you started a business and before you knew it you were regularly lip syncing to Gaga while kicking ass, taking orders, AND taking names—which, for the record, I hear is a mafia term. Isn’t that...
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Adultery Saturdays: What Happens When You Take An Actual, Physical Leap
The thing about me is that I’m a wimp. A scaredy cat. A wuss. (I’m also a redhead, but that feels irrelevant.) I’m someone who changes lanes on the highway if I end up behind a lumber truck,...
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