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Business Lacking Direction? Start With the Money.
Imagine you’re seven years old, and you’ve never cooked anything before, so help your Fisher Price kitchenette. But suddenly you’re home alone, and you’re tasked with making yourself a meal. So...
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There Are Much More Interesting Things You Can Be Doing With Your Time...
There I was, minding my own business, going about life as usual: Wondering how to tone armpit fat, substituting vodka for water, telling lies to small children (actually the boogieman will beat your...
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Clear vs Clever Copywriting is a Big, Fat, Bloated Myth (And a Scapegoat for...
I’m a very dirty writer. Not Fifty Shades of Grey dirty (during work hours) but dirty in the way that I put sentences, thoughts, ideas together. My process is wild. Sexy. Free. Undomesticated. And...
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You Can’t Sell Tickets to The Titanic if You’re Marketing it as a Rowboat
Listen up, business owners: Like it or not, people do judge a book by its cover. And that cover happens to include the words on the front. And those words will make all the difference. Even something...
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Hey, Business Owners! Please Note. You Cannot Outsource Your Bowel Movements.
You know how you get good at stuff? You give a shit. You give a shit some more. And you give so much of a shit, that soon, your clients give a shit about you, too. You become an indispensable part...
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A Story for the Downtrodden, Destitute, Distressed & Despaired
I come from what you’d call a humble background. I grew up in rural poverty in the poorest county of Pennsylvania, where we hung out at stone quarries and had the first day of hunting season off from...
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Cowardly Business Owners: An Epidemic?
Yesterday, I got stood up. As you may know, I have my hands in a boating company, and yesterday, a brain surgeon from the Carolinas simply didn’t show up for a charter—despite having submitted a...
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How to Stop Hating Your Email (Before You Slice Your Own Wrists)
I get a lot of email. In fact, I probably have more emails in my inbox every day than I have hairs on my head – and since I’m not going bald, this means that I have a lot of people who are requesting...
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Starting a Business Isn’t for Weak People, Shitty People, Irresponsible...
Nearly ten years ago when I started my first copywriting business, I struggled with the things most new business owners struggle with: Telling a client your fees while silently thinking...
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The Smell of Desperation
You can smell the desperation. You see folks running sideways all over the internet trying to get noticed, be bigger, get heard. But there’s a simple truth that a lot of people forget: If your message...
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You Can’t Make Money if You Can’t Ask for It. Fact.
Have you ever walked into a Target and ALL THE SHELVES WERE EMPTY? What a fucking pickle, right? But now imagine there you are, sucking your thumb in your snowpants, when they welcome you in, luring...
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Is Your Business Flailing Around Like a Pathetic Little Desperate Clingy...
I cried the other day like an asshole. Not because someone died, and not because I’m getting my period (there you go, boys, you squirming yet?), but because every day from 5 o’clock in the morning...
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You’re always going to have fifty million things to do—PLUS that asshole’s...
There’s a lot of pressure these days to be perfect. (Says the girl carrying thirty extra pounds and a dysfunctional pouty face.) As someone who used to be very all-or-nothing, over the years I’ve had...
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This Bastard Was Getting Paid $10,000 a Month.
This bastard was getting paid $10,000 dollars a month. He was on contract with my company at the time, brought on as a consultant to work directly with a young (and far less wrinkley-lipped) yours...
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Repeat After Me: You Are Not Your Buyer
It’s two days before the new year, and I’m doing exactly what you are: Dicking around on the internet and calling it “downtime.” It’s absolutely PHENOMENAL. But, as we all prepare to become supermodel...
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One word might be costing you thousands of dollars. What is it?
“What do you own?” he asked her. “I own lots of things,” she replied, before going on to stumble through a list: Her car, her favorite Gucci purse, a timeshare in Mexico, her 300,000 count Egyptian...
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Two Gorgeous Ways of Saying NO in Business…Without Throwing Cheeseburgers at...
Boundaries in business are important. I’m obsessed with them. I talk about boundaries a lot. Probably because when I was young, I was very, very horrible at setting them. Girlfriends would nag me into...
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Overalls and Ball Games, Twelve Packs & Venison: Overcoming an Economic...
I grew up in the greatest place on earth for exploring. There were stone quarries. Wide open fields. Farm boy boyfriends. And, more than anything, nice fucking people. (Novel, right?) People who held...
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Remember When Life Was Easy? BECAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T.
I used to know how to dress myself. Or at least, I used to know how to put on pants before putting on my shoes, because apparently when you make the decision to PUT A SHOE WITH A GIGANTIC SPIKE on your...
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The Internet Has Boundary Issues, and People Are Assholes. So What?
So I block this girl on Facebook the other day. Actually, it wasn’t so much a block as it was a ban (if only I could do this to people in real life?) because Little Miss Hot Pants thought she would be...
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