Adultery Saturdays: You’re Losing At Your Life List–Here’s Why

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I have a secret.

(No, I’m not pregnant, and no, I can’t turn water into wine despite how many gentleman yell, “OH, GOD,” in my bed.)

So, back to this secret. I’m going to spout it out like I’m in a support group, mostly because I want everyone to just say, “Hi, Jess,” back, and then offer me a lemon poppyseed muffin.

Ready?

Hi. I’m Jess. And I’m one of those annoying people who has a 30-Before-30 list. (Be gentle?)

But as the big THREE-OH looms closer…and closer…and closer, I find myself obsessively staring at that crumpled piece of paper, the items written in purple gel pen, (because hello, I was 16), then crossed out, revised, and rewritten…but still very much unfinished.

Because of the 30 items on that dingy sheet of life goals? Only 4 are crossed out. I repeat. I’ve only accomplished 4 of the things I set out to do when I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. (Another Jessica secret: I was born with the tail of a fox. Kidddinnnnng.) Also? It’s worth noting that one of the items crossed off is the typical Get a tattoo, and when I was 17 I tricked a tattoo artist into actually giving me a one. It might even be on my ass (true story), which I’m not even sure counts, you guys.

But before I just tell you everything embarrassing about myself, the bottom line is that my list is still incomplete, (though my ass is still tattooed). And while I’m ambitious and driven and entrepreneurial and blah blah blah, the years keep ticking by and slipping away and pushing in–and one thing becomes more and more apparent:

The funny thing about time is that we always think we have some.

That everything we’ve ever wanted to accomplish will somehow just…come to be. That if we wait long enough, and wish hard enough, those little check marks on the long list of feats to finish before there are 30, 40, 60 candles on a (fire hazard of a) cake will get neatly checked off by one of those pens with a feather on the end, (to add to the overall fanciness of accomplishments.)

But the hard truth is that you’ll never actually eat purple cheese in France or steal the show after taking a few pole dancing classes or have that perfectly-coordinated Ikea living room with the white shag rug and those burnt orange pillows unless you stop wishing and thinking and yearning–

And start actually doing.

And before you roll your eyes at me, the shouty girl with a mostly unfinished goal list and cherry pie filling on her blouse, I need you to know that I’m doing, too.

I’M DOING, DAMMIT.

This March, I’ll be boarding a plane to Costa Rica and meeting Ash & all of the Life Hooky participants in the San Jose airport, probably tackle hugging the shit out of everyone and trying not to lick Ash’s face.  (Finally leaving the U.S. and going abroad? #1 on my list.)

I’ll be bathing in lagoons, traipsing around one of the most beautiful national parks in the world (I believe you, Forbes), staying at a hotel that was listed as one of the 1,000 places to see before you die, demanding the staff bring me Grey Poupon, and, of course, taking advantage of Life Hooky sponsored open bars. (You guys know how we roll.)

I’ll be visiting a local school (which we have to take a ROW BOAT to get to), making empanadas with the kids, learning indigenous customs, touring around the village, and hoping the instructor doesn’t kick me out of our group salsa class.

I’ll be ziplining, ATVing and shoving heaps of cilantro-infused rice into my mouth with a group of you yahoos in a rainforest thick with sloths. (Ziplining? #14.)

At some point, I’ll even be day drunk on a catamaran, pointing at dolphins, (Ash has promised me there will be dolphins), snorkeling on some colorful reef or another, and remembering what it is to, ahem, be outside. (Okay, so being day drunk isn’t actually on the list since I consider bottomless mimosas to be their own food group.)

I’m also pretty sure my Spanish will be extra impressive that day. Lucky for me, I have a head start on you all, since I helped edit the Costa Rican slang section in the Life Hooky Participant Welcome Guide. I may or may not have included sample sentences such as, “Vieras, I totally just fit 50 papayas down my pants.”

And since I’m feeling quite sentimental about all of this, I’ll leave you with this quote by Andy Warhol. To remind us all to choose chance. To choose unpredictable. And to choose yourself, every single fucking time, before time runs out, and all you’ve got to show for it is a spaghetti-stained sheet of notebook paper and a bunch of things you hoped to get around to…but never did.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”

What’s on your life list, (accomplished or desperately NEEDING to be accomplished)? Lemme have it in the comments!

Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view. Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view. Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view. Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view. Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view. Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.

Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.