The New Year is barreling down on us like a hippo down a water slide. (Because hippos always ride down water slides. Um?) And we all know what that means. It’s time, once again, for the most pain in the ass tradition, New Year’s Resolutions.
Can I get a dun dun dunnnn up in here? Or maybe just a collective groan. Because we all know how this works. On New Year’s Eve, (or the week leading up to it), we stare at ourselves in the mirror, plucking that one weird chin hair that managed to grow to a length that is both unsettling and impressive, and making overly dramatic eye contact with our reflection.
“This year,” we say, our voices echoing in bathrooms across the world, “I’m going to finally ____________________.” (That blank space is where you insert thing X that you pursue for about 11 days and then give up, deciding that it’s not important, not worth your time, or simply not achievable.)
Now, I’m not saying change isn’t a good thing. I’m all about self improvement and following dreams and blah blah blah. But what I’m not about, (even a little), is that soul-crushing sense of failure when whatever resolutions we’ve made eventually go belly up, causing us to drink too much gin and mainline ganache-covered cupcakes.
So to spare you those overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, failure, and self-loathing that tend to creep up about mid-January, here is a list of resolutions you can absolutely keep, because you’re already doing them…or not doing them, as the case may be. You’ll still have an answer for Sunshine Susie when she stands with her hands clasped in front of her perfectly pleated skirt, head cocked to the side like a damn golden retriever puppy, and the dooming words on her lips. “So, what is your New Year’s resolution?”–while still keeping your dignity and confidence in tact.
Without further ado, please allow me to present…
42 New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
1. “This year, I’m going to brush my teeth one time.”
You can knock this baby out by lunch, you guys. VICTORY IS YOURS.
2. “This year, I’m going to pick my nose at stoplights.”
We could all stand to do a little more of this, after all.
3. “This year, I’m going to stop peeing on public sidewalks.”
The noblest of goals.
4. “This year, I’m going to sneeze more than 12 times.”
(According to statistics.)
5. “This year, I’m going to learn to shower.”
Loofahs are sort of baffling.
6. “This year, I’m going to eat vegetables when I feel like it.”
Like only when they show up in eggplant parmigiana.
7. “This year, I’m going to drive my car.”
To the porn store. Just kidding. That’s what the internet is for.
8. “This year, I’m going to watch TV when there are shows I like on.”
Brooklyn Nine-Nine? I’m LOOKIN’ AT YOU.
9. “This year, I’m not going to be responsible with my money.”
Because dollah, dollah bills, y’all.
10. “This year, I’m going to nap sometimes.”
And by sometimes, I most assuredly mean always.
11. “This year, I’m going to grow some hair on my body.”
We’ll be like walking teddy bears.
12. “This year, I’m going to visualize climbing a mountain, but not actually climb one.”
Because you probably have a very vivid imagination.
13. “This year, I’m not going to stab anyone in the leg with a fountain pen.”
Because fountain pens are hard to come by.
14. “This year, I’m going to stop robbing banks.”
Especially since control-top panty hose are way to pricey to just shove on heads.
15. “This year, I’m not going to sext my ex whilst sky diving.”
All other times are totally fair game, though.
16. “This year, I’ve resolved to stop making New Year’s Resolutions.”
A resolution about resolutions earns you some sort of cosmic bonus points. #metaresolution
17. “This year, I’m going to stop at red lights when there are cops around.”
Because you’re such a stand-up citizen.
18. “This year, I’m going to get arrested less than 52 times.”
Which gives you one arrest per weekend. It’s a total cake walk.
19. “This year, I’m going to wind up in a conversation about 50 Shades of Grey and pretend I didn’t like it.”
But let’s be honest. Christian Grey, you guys.
20. “This year, I’m going to stop slapping my landlord with a fish every Tuesday morning.”
See, the beauty of this is that you will stop slapping your landlord with a fish every Tuesday, partly because you never started slapping him with a fish, and partly because that leaves 6 days out of the week that make him totally slappable should you decide it’s a hobby you’d like to pick up. It’s about giving yourself an out while leaving room for options.
21. “This year, I’m not going to steal a painting from the Louvre.”
Most of those paintings are outdated anyways.
22. “This year, I’m going to pronounce superfluous super-flows.”
Variety is the spice of life, as is blatantly wrong pronunciation.
23. “This year, I’m going to have at least one hangover.”
Because things like Edward 40 Hands sometimes sound weirdly appealing.
24. “This year, I’m not going to bust an elaborate drug ring in my neighborhood.”
This makes you the ultimate anti-super sleuth, and that’s a pretty cool title to throw around at parties.
25. “This year, I’m going to stop having a torrid affair with Batman.”
You don’t even have to stop having an un-torrid affair with him.
26. “This year, I’m going to cry over a commercial.”
Because we all know it’s bound to happen at least once.
27. “This year, I’m not going to legally change my first name to Cookiecakes.”
It’s really more of a middle name, after all.
28. “This year, I’m going to write really terrible magnetic poetry on my fridge and post pictures of it on Facebook.”
Bonus points if it’s the erotica edition.
29. “This year, I’m going to stop talking in sonnets for a whole day.”
Because who has time for that iambic pentameter shit?
30. “This year, I’m going to drink beer for breakfast.”
Guinness and Cocoa Pebbles, you guys. You can thank me later.
31. “This year, I’m not going to hit on my local congressman.”
Unless he’s really attractive, because then all bets are off.
32. “This year, I’m going to text.”
Sometimes I even accidentally sleep text. You’ve got this in the bag.
33. “This year, I’m not going to dress up in a giant penguin suit and sing Backstreet Boys outside my new lover’s apartment. Probably.”
The probably is essential, because maybe penguin suits will go on sale!
34. This year, I’m going to change my underwear when they start to stand up by themselves.”
Which means you only need to swap ‘em out like once a week.
35. “This year, I resolve not to be the next president of the United States.”
Because the election doesn’t even happen until 2016. Duh.
36. “This year, I’m going to master the art of teeth brushing.”
I mean, it’s not all up-down, up-down. There has to be some side-to-side action in there, too. Y’know, for variety.
37. “This year, I’m not going to throw up in a trash can at Denny’s at 2:37 in the morning.”
Unless it’s your birthday.
38. “This year, I’m going to have at least one uncomfortably risque dream about a coworker.”
Because it’s inevitable, and there’s no use fighting fate.
39. “This year, I’m going to make typewriter noises while I eat corn on the cob.”
The ding at the end will never stop being hilarious.
40. “This year, I’m not going to eat butter straight out of the fridge. Unless it’s covered in mayonnaise. Or chocolate syrup.”
But there’s something to be said for the BLT…BMC. (Bacon, lettuce, tomato, butter, mayonnaise, chocolate sauce…on whole wheat…with a Diet Coke.)
41. “This year, I’m going to dance like nobody’s watching, (while nobody’s actually watching.)”
Bonus points for The Macarena.
42. “This year, I’m going to shove my foot up your ass if you don’t stop asking what my resolution is.”
At least you give them enough warning to clench.
What’s your New Year’s Resolution? (Real, or funny?) Let’s be goal-setting go-getters! (Which, for the record, totally makes me want to shake huge, ugly pom-poms.)